I'll make it !!! I promise !

My diary of life

2011年2月17日
21:19


Oh, God. . . It's lil long time I haven't got my scholarship. It's not supposed to happen. They don't run the procedure well. Yeah, many reasons to delay it. But the effect, I don't have enough cash now and I've to use my parents's money.

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I've spent lot of your money. I know you've worked so hard to get money for me, I know, the reason you worked so hard is just for me, for my future, I know there's no selfish inside you, I know you admit me as your hope, I know your love, I know all of your feelings. But what can I do, I spent your money even I've got scholarship. And the worst, I've to pay some unimportant things using your money, the thing that's needed your full power to get. I'm sorry mom, dad. . . I know you got sick because of me, to find me a life.

You should know one thing, I really love you even I never say it out. I love you for true. There's no me without you. I've to pursue my dreams, my missions for you, I promise that I'll be the shining star like you always wish to God. I promise I'll be a success girl for my job, I promise I'll catch my dreams and be what I really want to be. Pray for me, mom, dad. . . I promise I'll make you proud to have me and never make you disappointed. I promise all my life I'll make you happy. One day I'll give everything you need, buy you many expensive stuff with my own money. I'll take you around the world with my own money and I'll fulfill everything you want. And I'll always try to be a good human for God, and another human. Amiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. . . . .

Mom, dad. . . You're the best things I ever have. I do these struggles just for you. I don't want to make you disappointed after all hard works that you've done for me. Keep praying for me, I promise I'm gonna make it happen, I'll be a great woman, not only rich with treasure or royalty, but rich in heart too. Once again I say, I'LL MAKE YOU PROUD!

I'll keep trying to get my dreams and I believe I'll get them all. I do this all for you, the Best Parents ever. . .

I really am sorry sometimes I make you cry. I never had intentions like that. I'm just stupid, mom, dad. . .

So, my God, ALLAH swt.lead me to the right way to get all my dreams and my missions. I can't do anything without Your help, God. Please, help me to make a beautiful story of my life. Help me to create a life that I really want to have together with the people who I love. Forgive me, God. Hope You listen to my pray, amiiinnnnn. . . Forgive me, God. . .

違う気を感じた T_T

My diary of life

2011年2月10日
19:52


I hate them!! I really hate them!! Why many people have to make me feel this feeling? I'm tired always have this feeling! N I just can talk asking why to You, God. I know I'm wrong, I'm not good at all, I'm just stupid girl with feeling inside. Why are the boys like that? N why those girls always do the same thing to me??? Am I cursed or something?

For true, I'm so fragile, so fuckin fragile, I can't do anything without people around help. N maybe because of it too that they hate me. Such I'm helpless.

Don't you know boys, I know I'm not a perfect beautiful girl with long black shiny hair like an actress in commercial break on tv, I know I'm not gorgeous enough, but why you have to say those words n make me heard them. It's so rude! It compels me to write this shit feeling and feel so alone. Let me happy with my own world, n don't disturb that happiness. One thing, take a look at your self and make a point about your own self, look how worse you are. Are you happy now?

Well, and what about my activities now? Selling the bazaar coupons and ugly calendars and no one interested to buy some of them! And at the last I've to put out my many to cover all of those fuckin stuff. What a pity.

(hmm… my room mate's family just came n went, one of them asked me, "You're a Japanese Literature student of what year? ". . Hellooooo, do I look uglier or older than my age? My God, why I never look good in front of the people? I hate this, but what I can do? I can't do anything!)

Oh my Almighty God, this doesn't mean that I'm not satisfied with what you've given to me. I try to be proud of my self, but You created me with feeling, God, and it's so complicated for me to hiding this feeling. Sometime I feel my self so disgusting, sometime I feel so alone and cry my self, blaming my self and so on. Haaahhhh. . . Tell me God, who am I? can I get and reach more joyful life? Forgive me, God. . . I'm not good enough. . .

my ordinary Birthday (-_-)v I'm 19 now !

誕生日おめでとう！

2011年7月24日
10:03


Today, many corners of the world will celebrate parties and big concerts, for example, a huge band concert in Malaysia today, exactly on July, 24, 2011, what a perfect day. Because no one remember this special day of mine including my family and best friends (except her, only her), let me consider those parties and concerts belong to me, just consider that those for celebrating my forgotten birthday. Let this imagination be, what else I can get from this day?

Oh come on, Rahma! Don't let yourself make a shit like this. I know exactly, the people out there're having fun without even know my existence. Think, even the people I know, they all forget me, forget this day. I mean, it's fair, it's so fair for me. It's ok. It's not a big deal, it's not a kind to remember. Oh God, what can I say on this day? I don't get any birthday presents, for me. Why the day like this has to be an ordinary day, even more ordinary than another ordinary days. I'm feeling so alone, ya ALLAH, my only God. Will You give me some birthday presents? Will You, ya ALLAH?? I'm perfectly 19 years old now. 19 years old for nothing. I'm getting older, why I can't be getting better? Still, why I can't be few steps closer to my dreams? I'm 19, what should I ask?



ただ、誕生日おめでとうだけ　。。。